self portrait challenge: skill

Skill. Hmmm. Skill. Let's see. Skill. I'm drawing a total blank. Actually I've been drawing a blank all month long. The Self Portrait Challenge this month is 'Skill.' I personally think 'Nude' was easier. There's just something about being a stay-at-home mom that makes me feel very unskilled. As a news producer I felt like I was good at something. I was by no means a great producer, but I thought I could produce television news better than the average Joe on the street. Now I basically just have a few random hobbies (i.e. yoga, photography, writing), but I'm not skilled at any of them. Other than that...I'm a mom. And there is always room for growth when it comes to mothering.

So...I failed this month's challenge. Whatever.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I've decided it's time to get back in shape. This summer I've been pretty slack. To give myself something to work toward, I'm considering running a 5K at the end of August. I guess you could say I'm 'training' for it now. But I use the word 'training' VERY loosely. My goal is to cross the finish line....without the aid of emergency workers....and before they open the road back up to traffic. So...on the days I don't have yoga, I run on the treadmill. I spend the entire time just trying not to pee on myself. It makes me really wish that I had been doing those damn kegel exercises in the nearly TWO YEARS since my baby was born. All of the sudden I am reminded that having babies really fucks up messes up changes your body. (To be totally fair...Canon left me in pretty good shape. I blame Elly for most everything.)
-----------------------------------------------------------
In case you are wondering...yes I do have PMS.

my baby

Elly is ready to be done with diapers. She isn't potty trained yet, but all day long she tugs at her diaper, walking around a bit thugish. Recently she has picked up the phrase "Oh, man!" She drops something..."oh, man." Or I tell her she can't have another cookie..."oh, man."

And I can't for the life of me figure out where all the time has gone.

vacation recovery

I should have known better, but I guess I was being overly optimistic when I thought a week at the beach with my kids could possibly be relaxing. It wasn't. I'm recovering. But even though it wasn't exactly relaxing, it was a lot of fun.

Alex, my sisters and my brother-in-law arrived on Wednesday, so Thursday was a good day for me. I got to hang out with my family and let other people take responsibility for the girls. It was my day to unwind. I think I had my first beer on the beach around 10:30 in the morning and had moved on to wine by early afternoon. Like I said....it was a good day.

I thought about making a list of my favorite things, but I'll spare you. It's just the beach; you get the idea.

vacation

Hello and "ROAR" from Holden Beach, NC. This is the first family vacation with my dad, his girlfriend and her (grown) children. It's interesting the meshing of the two families. Different. Not bad different; just different.

Not much to report right now. We are just hanging out at the beach and the girls are LOVING it.

(Yes...I know Canon's dress is terrible. No...I did not buy it for her. Yes...I'm a great mother for letting her wear it every. single. day.)

And here's a tamer version:

photobooth friday

From last Friday. And here's one from today. Happy photobooth Friday!

perks of food poisoning

1) Getting to stay in bed for an entire day. (Aside from the puking, chills, headache, body ache, and occasional moaning...it was awesome.)

2) Losing a few pounds just in time for my vacation to the beach.

summertime

Speaking of plans for the summer, my mom is studying Mozart in Europe this summer. She said that between bike rides to castles and listening to Mozart concertos she would check my blog to keep up with the girls while she is away. So...this post is for her; just a few random summer pictures for grandma.


Elly was pretty quick on her feet and determined to get in the pool whenever she got a chance, bathing suit or not.


I've got to admit, being a stay-at-home mom in the summer makes me feel a little guilty. The fact that Alex has to go to work and the girls and I get to play outside all day just doesn't seem fair. I feel like I'm cheating somehow, like I've called in sick to work, but I'm not really sick. But I'm definitely trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

checking in

Last week Elly enjoyed her first alone visit with Nana in Georgia. As Nana's van pulled away Canon and I were sad to see them go, but Elly happily waved goodbye and threw us a few sloppy kisses. Then Canon and I had a wonderful two days to ourselves. She is at the age where she is so fun to hang out with. Everything with her was fun...and easy! All this time I thought she demanded so much attention, but now I realize that neither daughter is more difficult than the other. It's just the two of them combined that can be challenging.

The girls and I are in Georgia for the week. Actually the next few weeks are quite busy for us, so posts may be limited. And by busy I mean...we have something to do other than play at the pool all day. Nothing too grand; just a trip to the beach and such. Anyone out there have exciting plans this summer?

memory restored

The mac is still broken, so I'm still on the PC with the jacked up monitor. But this computer is special because it is where thousands upon thousands of pictures are stored. I love going back and looking through years of photographs. This week, Alex stumbled upon this picture. It's a rarity since I'm in it and so is our dog Tzeitel. But what I really love in this photo is Canon. Her sweet little face, her pigtails, her arms crossed. And I had completely forgotten about her at this age. I can vividly remember certain stages of her life, but until I saw this picture I had completely forgotten this little part of her. Life was such a blur then; I was pregnant with Elly and working crazy, exhausting hours at the news station. I guess I didn't soak it in, mark it down in my mental calendar. She had just turned two and she was such a cutie. It makes me wonder what else I'm forgetting.

birthday girl

A stomach bug that has hit most of the neighborhood (but hasn't bothered us so far) threw a huge dent in our birthday celebration plans today. After a few tears were shed, we turned Canon's fourth birthday into a family fun day. And it was so much fun.

Part of me just can't believe my little girl is four. And the other part of me can't believe she's only four because I feel like she has always been a part of me.

Happy birthday, sweet C-biscuit.

self portrait challenge: nude

I decided to follow the lead of several other SPC participants by posting my photograph somewhere other than my personal blog. I didn't feel absolutely comfortable having a nude shot hidden between the jell-o fingers and snotty noses.

But I am completely comfortable linking to it. (I've been told my preamble post was much ado about nothing, and that the photograph is very tame.) This was my submission for SPC. And here's another one. I've never tried to shoot in a room this dark, so it was interesting and educational. I'm glad I did it. Enough said. Moving on.

stripping down

Last month I noticed that I had lost myself on this blog again. I've been posting mainly about the girls and not much in between which has led to fewer and fewer posts each month. So I decided to turn to a reliable source for forcing me to look inward and turn the camera on myself, SPC. Toward the end of May I checked everyday for the new challenge because I was determined to participate this month. I declared it. And then the challenge was announced.....nude. NUDE! I immediately dismissed the idea of participating and resolved to waiting until July. Maybe in July the challenge would be 'hats' or 'outside' or ANYTHING but nude.

Then I started to be disappointed in myself for avoiding nude. Why not nude? In real life I'm pretty close to being a never-nude. I'm just more comfortable with my clothes on. Growing up my dad was pretty strict on showing skin. Much was made of the first tankini swimsuit I wore...in college. Up until then I was only allowed to wear one-piece swimsuits, and there was even a one-piece that caused quite a bit of controversy in my house. Not that my dad was wrong to raise me that way, but I think it made me ovesexualize the human body and become a bit uncomfortable with my own.

As an artist Alex has taken many nude figure drawing classes. His sketch books are filled with sketches of nude women. And for years I couldn't wrap my head around how it wasn't sexual at all. But then after having a child, my perception of my body, the human body changed. I felt comfortable with sexuality. And I felt comfortable with my body. It is a body. Bodies are beautiful.

So...I decided to take a photograph for the June challenge. It's a true nude, not like a picture of my naked foot or hand., but body parts that without clothing would generally be considered nude. And I really like the photograph. Getting out my camera was the first step, but now I'm really questioning whether I should post and submit it. That's a whole different leap. And I'm not even sure I can justify a reason for posting it. I'm not an exhibitionist, so posting it will surely embarrass me...and probably several people who visit this blog. But then part of me just wants to put it out there. It seems like it would almost be empowering to have a nude photograph on the inernet. I mean...once you have blogged naked, there is nothing left to hide.

Anyway...I'm still debating this one. If I don't chicken out, I'll post my photograph Tuesday. So if you know me in real life and think seeing a nude photograph of me might be awkward, then consider this your warning. You might not want to stop by blythe and bonnie next week. (For the record...if I post it here, then I obviously don't mind anyone and everyone seeing it. So don't feel like you have to stay away.)

Anyone want to show support by posting your own nude? Come on...let's all get naked.

eye of the beholder

You know you are a mom when you think the way the light hits the jell-o splattered all over your kitchen table is really beautiful. And how nicely the orange compliments the blue of her eyes. And you run and grab your camera because it's just so....pretty?!

For the record, I allowed this so that I could finish my dinner in peace. It was totally worth the extra clean-up and bath that followed. Honestly a bath usually follows all of Elly's meals these days; she insists on trying all her food out as a hat. So far the peanut butter side of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich seems to be the most fashionable culinary accessory.

(I'm still blogging blind here, but these looked half decent on my camera screen.)

trip tidbits

* Fun times in the car with the girls. Sisters playing together in the backseat. Sharing Twizzlers for the first time. The three of us "singing" La Bohème at the top of our lungs (apparently my girls are big opera fans). Answering Canon's many questions such as, "Mommy, what is a soul?"

* Canon has a bladder of steel. She can hold "it" for days....unless we are on a road trip....and in the middle of nowhere. Drama always ensues. This trip was no exception.

* After a harrowing experience northbound over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, I arranged for a police escort on the return trip. When I arrived at the bridge I was very early and desperately missing the girls, so I decided to brave it myself. I'm proud of myself for making it over, but very disturbed that this debilitating fear has basically popped up out of nowhere.

* Hours alone in the car to listen to podcasts of This American Life and Fresh Air.

* Finally getting to see my sister's and best friend's new homes.

* A few hours in New York City.

* Discovering New Jersey trains and buses turn into pumpkins at midnight.

* My first trip to the beach this year with the girls, thanks to my sister and brother-in-law.

* I was really glad my girls got a chance to spend some quality time with their aunt and uncle, but now I'm feeling guilty for dumping the girls with my poor pregnant sister for two full days.

* On the way home the girls and I stopped at a Cracker Barrel for dinner. We had so much fun. I love being with those two little people.

* Short but sweet time with my sister, brother-in-law and best friend.

debrief

I'm still a bit dizzy from my whirlwind trip. I basically spent 24 hours with my sister and brother-in-law in Norfolk. Twenty-four hours with Dawn in New Jersey. And 24 hours in the car. Now I'm home and trying to chill out.

I arrived home to discover our mac won't start, so I'm on the old PC and the monitor is shot. I can see enough to type, but everything else is a blur. I really have no idea what the above picture looks like, but I took it just a few blocks from my sister's home in Norfolk. Hopefully one of these computers will be repaired in the next few days and I'll post more on my trip.

As usual, Dawn is on top of things; she has already posted a bit about my visit to New Jersey.

sun kisses and road trips

You can't tell from her skin, but we've been out in the sun a good bit lately.  During the summer we can finish off a bottle of SPF 50 in about a week.  But since my girls do NOT do hats, their hair keeps getting lighter and lighter.  Canon gets a little bleach blonde around her face, but I was surprised by how fast Elly's hair is lightening.  I imagine by the end of the summer her hair will be a very, very fair shade of brown. And it's odd to me how even this slight change in her makes me feel. Like it's unfamiliar. Like I really don't want anything about her to change.   And it's so small.  And she is only going to keep changing for the REST OF HER LIFE.  Ugh.  

I cry when I watch old home videos because my cute adorable little sisters are beautiful women now.  I really can't rationalize it.  I was there when they grew up, but it seems sad that those childhood years are gone.  Maybe sad isn't the right emotion, but something that makes me cry. And if I cry over my sisters, then I am well aware that I am in big trouble when it comes to my own children.  Yes...I can make a little sun-kissed hair very dramatic.

-------------------------------------------------

The girls and I are off on a little road trip starting tomorrow.  I'll be driving at least five hours every day for the rest of the week.  But I'm excited.  Except for the occasional panic attack about driving over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.  Today my mother-in-law attempted to calm my nerves by telling me it will probably be very beautiful.   For some reason I had never considered such an idea.  And all the sudden it seemed a little less intimidating.  Because using one hand to take a picture out my car window while driving over the bridge seems a lot less scary than two hands with a death grip on the steering wheel. I'm totally serious.

-------------------------------------------------

It's only when I travel that I realize I'm kind of a freak.  I don't drink milk.  I don't eat eggs.  I don't eat off a buffet because that is just nasty.  I get vertigo when I drive over bridges.  And it's got to be a serious emergency if I'm going to use a public restroom.

five good things

1) hula seventy's postcard swap.  giving me a little creative project to get excited about.  not to mention all the goodies to be found in my mailbox later this summer.

2)  dinner and a movie with my husband tonight.  yay!

3)  yoga in the morning.  (or maybe sleeping in.)

4)  elly counting to three in the pool just before I throw her in the air.

5)  canon going down the water slide infinite times now that she swims well enough to do it by herself.

I pulled this idea from a shutter sisters post.  Finding five good things is so simple and yet so uplifting.  I think I'll make this a regular thing whenever I feel a little 'blah'.   Anyone have five good things you want to share?

blah diddley

I'm feeling a bit blah. I can't quite figure it out because summer is here, which means flip flops, playing outside, pool parties, vacations, picnics, outdoor festivals...all things I love. But I can't get motivated for any of it. The worst of it is that I'm flaking out on a trip to the beach. I haven't officially said I'm not going, but I was supposed to leave two days ago, so it appears that I'm not going. I really just want to sit around and eat junk food. And I don't want lazy, unmotivated, junk-food girl writing anymore on this here blog. So I'm taking a bit of a break until the blahs go away...or until I get back from the beach. 

and I thought I was doing so well

Last night Canon asked me if there was a baby in my tummy. I immediately wrote off her question and blamed such a concept on the front pockets of the little hoodie I was wearing. But then this morning as I was making coffee in my skin-tight pajama tank top, she asked, "Mommy, why is your tummy so big?" Ouch! Just a little too brutally honest for my liking. It is true that I haven't worked out the past two weeks because I've been sick, but I still thought I was doing okay. Apparently not. Time to hit the gym again.

attachment

With city lights in my rearview mirror, she was all I had. She was everything to me. Because of her I chose to leave. Because of her I didn't shed a tear. As I drove hours through the night, I felt like it was just the two of us in infinite darkness. Needing each other. Depending on each other. And then it struck me how unfair all of this was to her. I couldn't let her live forever with the burden of a lonely, damaged, needy mother. It wasn't fair to make her be my everything. So I gave her space. I moved her crib into another room. I let her cry a little bit before she fell asleep. I went back to work. My milk dried up. I worked the night shift, so it was often my dad who heard her cries in the night and cuddled her back to sleep. I tried to make her independent of me, free of any sadness I carried. In the deepest, darkest part of my heart, I feel I might have pushed her away.

Now relationships have healed; we are a family again. But she is still free. Wildly independent. Needing me so very little. And my relationship with her sister is starkly different. There has never been a forced detachment. I feel free to need her and love that she needs me, that she calls my name all day long wanting to see me, wanting to be held by me.

This is my great regret. This is what I would change if I could live this crazy life again. I'm sure the list of regrets will grow, but for now I wish I could go back, hold that six-month-old baby in my arms and never let her go.