questions

I assume suicide often leaves loved ones haunted by unanswered questions. I think "why" is probably the most significant question for most people. But I have the answer to that question. She was very ill. It was textbook severe depression. Her brain had betrayed her. The chemicals had altered and darkness crept in. She was hopeless; she was sad; she was sick.

I want to know what that day was like for her. Did she have it planned when she woke up that morning? Was she sad or relieved? Did she cry? Did she sit for a while and look at the lake or did she just jump in? Did she open her eyes under the water or did she keep them closed and let death overtake her?

I moved into my college dorm two days before she died. She came to say goodbye to me the day before I left. She handed me a note. When she died the note became evidence. Family members read it and looked for clues. There were none. It was just to me. It was my goodbye.

"I want you to know that I wish for you the very best as you embark on your new journey. We have enjoyed watching all your growing up years and all the love you have shared with us. Pa and I will miss that sweet smile. You will always be in our prayers."

Today would have been her 79th birthday. It's hard for me to imagine her at that age. In my memory she is so youthful and energetic. I wish my husband and daughters could have known her. I wish I could wrap my arms around her today and tell her how much I love her.

Happy Birthday, Nanna! I miss you.