in bed

For the first few years of our marriage Alex and I slept in a full-size bed. I hesitantly agreed to a queen when we moved into our house several years ago. I just felt that distance in the bed could easily correlate to distance in the marriage. But the truth is...we don't cuddle in our sleep. So last week we upgraded to a king-size bed and passed the queen on to Elly since she had long ago outgrown her little toddler bed. And I love this bed. All I want to do is be in the bed. Our whole little family fits just perfectly. This photo is of us on a Friday night....just hanging out in bed. Turns out that more space in the bed actually brought us closer together.

happy monday

I know. I know. It's only the first day of happy week, and I've already posted pictures of my kids. I promise not to go all maternal the entire week, but I have allowed myself two days to devote to the happiness my family brings me.

When Alex and I were dating, we broke up A LOT. But there was one breakup that seemed more final than the rest. (I know this doesn't seem happy, but hang in there; it's going somewhere.) We had been living in New York. Then the breakup. He moved to Chicago. I moved back home with my parents. And I was depressed. Seriously depressed. I really wasn't sure it was a fog I could escape. I didn't think I could get over losing him and I had no desire to keep living without him. It sounds all cheesy and dramatic now, but at the time it was devastating.

But now we are together. And we have two beautiful children. And we are a happy little family.

So often I think about the girl who used to spend hours sitting in shower crying, wondering how her life would turn out. I wish I could send a whisper back in time to her. I wish I could let her know that everything works out. Better than she could ever imagine.

better than coffee

A couple morning perks to being married to an artist:

When I wake up and find a love note taped to my bathroom mirror, the heart is perfectly drawn.

And waking up to find that one of my photographs inspired him to create a pretty new header for my blog.

weekend love

A camera. A cell phone. And two dorks on date night. Only a tripod could have made this night any more perfect.

seven years...and it doesn't even itch

When Alex and I got back together, I decided our wedding anniversary would be a family celebration. Staying married isn't easy, and I think it is something to be celebrated. I want the girls to be aware of how special it is. So...in celebration of our seventh wedding anniversary, we packed up the camera and tripod and headed to my favorite little garden for a few family portraits.


It rained on us the whole time, but we had a blast. Canon even took over as our photographer for a while. Check out her handy work...

We then ate lunch at a little Cuban restaurant and hit up a bakery for celebratory desserts. After that the girls were off to my mom's house so Alex and I could have some time alone with each other. Over a nice dinner we reflected on that day seven years ago....and how much has happened in between. And how happy we are together.
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I also want to say thank you for all the kind and encouraging comments on my last post. You guys are awesome. Thank you for reminding me why I love this little space on the internet. Thank you, thank you!

daddy daughter dance

There was a time, during the first few months of her life, when I imagined that their relationship would consist of scattered weekends together. Hundreds of miles between them. A plane ticket necessary for every meeting. Awkwardness. Exotic adventures planned in attempt to make up for the lost minutes, hours, days and weeks until their next meeting. Two completely separate lives that would occasionally intertwine. The planned divorce would have put so much emotional and physical distance between them, I wasn't sure how well they would even know each other.

But things didn't turn out that way.

They have a unique bond, those two. Special games. Inside jokes. They adore each other. And they were equally excited about their first daddy/daughter dance this weekend.

They had planned to walk home from the dance. But it was dark and raining, so I decided to offer them a ride. When I caught up to them, she and a white balloon were tucked up under the black umbrella. He was walking in the rain wearing her headband, which had become too tight for her early in the evening. I asked them if they would like a ride. And she said, no...she would rather walk home with her daddy.

a love story

As the snow came down, I came down with some sort of nasty stomach virus. I told Alex to go to work, that I could make it until he got home. Then I crawled around on my hands and knees caring for the girls, counting down the minutes until naptime. While the girls and I were napping, Alex abandoned his piles of work and ever looming deadlines. He came home and snuck the girls out while I was still sleeping. He fed them dinner and the three of them stayed out of the house until bedtime. They returned home bearing gifts of Sprite. Alex then cleaned the kitchen before crashing on the couch with me and enduring Law and Order and some really terrible movie on Lifetime.

For me...that is romance. And my heart is aflutter.

to love

Between the time the California Supreme Court ruled that it was unconstitutional to prevent same-sex couples from marrying and Prop 8 passed making same-sex marriage in California illegal, thousands of committed couples were legally married. Now the Prop 8 Legal Defense Fund and Ken Starr have filed legal briefs seeking to nullify those marriages.



I'm pretty emotional on this topic, so I'll just say....I signed here.

(Thanks, Nilsa.)

heartsy fartsy

I think Alex and I need "I survived Valentine's Day 2009" t-shirts. Wow! I guess it has been a while since we have ventured out on a Valentine's Day. It is crazy out there with all the traffic, lines and crowds. But still...I had a wonderful time with the man I love.

It may be a manufactured holiday, but I hope everyone felt a little extra love today.

birth day

Welcome to the world, little nephew. I can't wait to meet you.

And a big congratulations to my amazingly strong sister and her steadfastly supportive husband.

my kind of town

After twelve hours in the car, the first thing we did was pull up in front of our old building. The historic building that housed our loft is now dwarfed by half a dozen new high-rise condo buildings. But it still felt like home. Then we walked across the street to our favorite pub for a beer. And shed a tear...or two. Because it felt like home.

We planted a life in Chicago. Roots are still there, deep.

Alex and I spent the weekend remembering. Visiting our favorite places. Eating our favorite foods. Walking city streets. Riding a tandem bike together. Even though it was exciting and fun to be there, I felt like I was always on the verge of bursting into tears.

And now I know...I'll always miss Chicago.

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And I have my friend Nilsa to thank for drawing us back to the city. Her wedding was unbelievably beautiful. The energy of the evening swirled of happiness and love. Pure and intimate. So much so that Alex decided we should renew our vows.

revisiting

I love this photograph. Just a blur of her back there, head tilted back soaking in the warmth of the sun, letting the water droplets land on her face. An impeding trip to Chicago has stirred emotions I don't often let prick at my heart. And suddenly I can't get enough of her. I want to breathe her. Touch her. Kiss her. Hold her. Pet her hair. Snuggle with her. Hug her. Watch her sleep. Hold hands with her. I'm driving her crazy.

I haven't been back to Chicago since I packed up my baby and drove all night long to my parent's house. That was nearly four years ago, but it seems like a lifetime.

*bling*

Life isn't always easy. And it's pretty cool when life's rough patches just polish off the negative build-up in your marriage and leave things looking sparkly and new again.

him and me

Yesterday was our anniversary.  There are so many words I want to type about him, but the adult version of whatever virus the girls had is jumbling everything in my head.   All I want to do is lay my head on the computer desk.  So...I hope to come back to this.  But in the meantime, happy anniversary to my freakin' awesome husband.

my love

Alex and I have never really been into Valentine's Day. But when we were dating, Valentine's Day always managed to be full of drama and passion just from the nature of our relationship. Take for example, Valentine's Day ten years ago. Alex and I were suffering the pains of a long distance relationship. He had just quit a really great job in Atlanta and taken a much less exciting job in North Carolina to be closer to me. He was closer but still a few hours away from Chapel Hill where I was in college. And for this new job, he had to travel....(gasp).....on Valentine's Day. His flight left late in the evening for a conference that began the next day.

I walked him to the gate (back in a time when you could escort someone all the way to the gate) and there we said our tearful goodbyes. Parting in general was painful, but parting on Valentine's Day seemed especially brutal. We stood there hugging as long as possible; he was the last person to board the plane. I waved him off and then walked sullenly back to my car. It was dark. Possibly raining. I sat in my car wiping the tears away. Then there was a knock on my window. Just as he was getting on the plane, he had asked the airline attendant if he would have any problems getting on the morning flight. He ran through the airport hoping to catch me (back in a time before cell phones) before I drove away. And there he was. So we spent the evening together before he had to fly out the next morning.

Valentine's Day this year doesn't hold as much drama. No jumping off an airplane and running through an airport for a few extra hours together. Things are different now. We'll probably get takeout and cuddle on the couch watching a movie. And that's great by me.

scar tissue

She wrapped her arms around my arm, rested her head on my shoulder and fell asleep. Speeding down the highway between my two girls, my mind did backflips through time. My thoughts landed on the period of time when I had just become a mother.

I felt sorry for her. Eyes that sparkled born into such a broken home. Infant giggles and innocent happiness that would soon fade away. I knew some of the daggers we threw would miss their target. Some would nick her heart and force her spirit into a dark hiding place.

So I made the choice. The sacrifice was great. I would be absent for half of her breaths. Humid summer afternoons alone. Lonely weekends. Cold Christmas mornings without her excited face to warm my heart. All in hopes that her happiness could be free.

I packed our things and drove away. She screamed hour upon hour as our car weaved through countryside. I had to remind myself she was crying for very practical reasons. And not from the pain of the extremity I had just severed. Or the pressure from the tourniquet I was clumsily attempting to apply.

All this time it seemed he and I had been using love for tug of war. I decided to quit. And with super-human strength, he pulled himself up on the rope. It was so fast and so powerful.

Now there are four of us. Each day when my sleeping girls awake, their happiness is free and unbridled. We are family, spiritually bound. And beneath the new fresh skin is thick, tough, strong scar tissue.

falling in love

I'm not a big fan of Valentine's Day, but I didn't want to ignore it all together. This picture was taken almost exactly nine years ago. It was a day of silly fun. We were totally fascinated and obsessed with each other. Falling in love is amazing.

the city

This past weekend we spent some time in Atlanta. I didn't feel the same excitement I once did for city. Alex moved there just as we were falling in love nine years ago. The distance was painful. Missing him so much provided excitement and energy for the times when we were together. Much of that time was spent in Atlanta (the High Museum of Art, Imperial Fez, The Fox Theatre, Java Jive, bed ....). I would often drive to the city in the middle of the night, desperate to see him.

I have a box that holds special memories from that time in our relationship. I opened it tonight looking for a picture to post. I scanned over a few letters and pictures that were on top and then closed the box. That time was too intense to casually revisit. We made so many mistakes; we were madly in love; we were young.



Things are different now. Our relationship is stable. Our love is deep. And Atlanta is a special memory from my youth. A place where Alex and I began to learn we couldn't live without each other.