snow days

holiday cheer

I'm not naming any names, but someone thinks sending a photo in a Christmas card is a stupid idea.

big news

Canon is engaged. Yep. The date is set for "when they grow up." He has the same last name, which she thinks is just perfect. But it's kind of a secret. They want to wait until it's closer to the date to start telling people. So...mum's the word.

Time to reconsider homeschooling, I think.

kids rule

Our Halloween was awesome (as usual)! Hope yours was, too!

first day

She loved school today. Loved it! And I did okay....mostly because I got everything out of my system when I cried myself to sleep last night. It was so ridiculous. I started wondering what she would do if she had chapped lips. Would someone put chapstick on her or would she just go all day in pain (okay...mild discomfort)?! And the tears started flowing. But I quickly realized I wasn't too worried about her. I knew she would be fine. I knew she would love school. I was just disappointed in myself. I have been home with the girls since Elly was born, nearly three years. The early days were about survival; if I could provide for the basic needs of both girls then the day was a success. Each day I hoped the next day would be better, and that I would be better. Days, weeks, months and years passed. Things did get better, but I never became the mother I wanted to be. It always seems just beyond my reach. And so I feel like I have failed her. I'm starting to wonder if there will ever be a night when I crawl in bed, pull the blankets up and think "I was a really great mom today."

I don't mean to be a downer; it was a very exciting day at our house.

in bed

For the first few years of our marriage Alex and I slept in a full-size bed. I hesitantly agreed to a queen when we moved into our house several years ago. I just felt that distance in the bed could easily correlate to distance in the marriage. But the truth is...we don't cuddle in our sleep. So last week we upgraded to a king-size bed and passed the queen on to Elly since she had long ago outgrown her little toddler bed. And I love this bed. All I want to do is be in the bed. Our whole little family fits just perfectly. This photo is of us on a Friday night....just hanging out in bed. Turns out that more space in the bed actually brought us closer together.

things are changing

I promised her she could get a trim before school started. My idea of a trim was one-fourth of an inch. Her idea was a chin-length bob. We compromised. I tried to distract myself as three/four inches were cut from her lovely blonde hair. As you can see from this photo, the girl loves her new hair. She looks so grown up now, which is quite fitting since Monday is her first day of school.

(To make matters worse, Tuesday is Elly's first day of preschool. Next week is going to be rough.)

my world this wednesday

I'm having lots of sweet alone time with my youngest while keeping up with my oldest and her adventures in Disney World via facebook. Weird.

summer's in the hair

Streaks kissed by the sun. Air-dryed into waves and curls. Smelling sweet of sweat and chlorine. Untamed and free and crazy. I love their summer hair.

so silly

We asked that everyone wear something silly to Canon's family birthday party. I was pleasantly surprised to see that everyone went all out for their favorite five-year-old. Even Tzeitel got in on the action.
This Princess Leia costume was definitely worth the $3.64. Sorry Tzeitel.

five

My dear Canon,

It just doesn't seem possible that you are five-years-old today, and then again I can barely remember life before you. This is going to be such an exciting year for you. In just a few weeks you will start school. And though I know you will love it, I have to admit I am terribly sad I won't have you with me all day.

The day you were born, we were the same. I felt like you were a part of me or an extension of me. I was you, and you were me. With each passing day I see and feel you becoming more of yourself and less of me. It's a true wonder to watch the person you are becoming. I am amazed by you each and every day.

During the first few colicky months of your life, you and I did a lot of dancing. We would spend large portions of the day listening to music and dancing around our Chicago loft. During one of those dance sessions, I played a song that really struck me. It was a romantic love song, but it put into words exactly what I was feeling for you. It became my love song for you. And the words still hold true today.

A love song for my beautiful birthday girl.

to be fair

I couldn't exactly leave Elly hanging out there after yesterday's post. There will be a day when she discovers I posted pictures on the internet of her walking around naked and making silly faces, and I'm sure she'll hate me for it. So...I'm trying to counter-balance the potentially embarrassing with the not-so-embarrassing. Hopefully this here glamour shot does the trick.

And one of Canon, too.

(Seriously, girls, please don't hate me.)

working hard

I can't lie; being a stay-at-home mom during the summer is nothing short of freakin' awesome.

I feel replenished by the sun. Happy and content. My brain is total mush and I'm okay with that. It feels good to just be.

gratitude

Last week I was sick and lazy, so I skipped out on my yoga mat. Today was my first day back to the practice. My teacher spoke quite a bit about gratitude and I was hit with a flood of emotion. It's not that I don't usually recognize how much I have to be grateful for; it's just that sometimes the realization punches me in the chest causing my heart to swell.

Today I am especially grateful for my two happy, healthy daughters. I am grateful for a husband who loves me. I am grateful he makes it possible for me to stay home with our girls. I am grateful to be home with the girls for another summer. (Of course I am grateful for many more things, but these are the things that were getting me today.) What are you grateful for?

(by the way...Canon took this picture.)

color week: blue

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Although there were quite a few drug-induced tears today, Canon made it through her MRI. And a happy call from our pediatrician let us know Canon's back is just fine. Things here are pretty good.

my belle

Thank you so much for all your kind and caring words about Canon. She is oblivious to the concerned glances being exchanged above her head. For her, all these doctor's appointments just give her more opportunities to rake in stickers. Last Wednesday she was so proud that she could cover both of her arms from wrist to shoulder in princess stickers. Her MRI is scheduled for next Monday. Hopefully we'll know more then.

Thanks again, you lovely internet people.

...

This week I learned first-hand how seriously doctors take complaints of back pain when they come from young children. Canon's complaints combined with a couple possibly significant red flags sent us in a quick tailspin of tests and questions and so far no answers. The next attempt to find answers will be an MRI, for which she will be put to sleep.

And this is where I just want to scream.

I feel like the two most important roles of motherhood are to love and protect. The loving is easy. But the protecting is so fucking hard. There is so much in life I can't control.

In these doctors visits I stand there feeling like I should do something. Fix it. Make everything fine. But instead I just stand there helpless. Trusting someone else. Hoping for the best. Not at all like a lioness, but more like a scared puppy. And to me...this is the most frustrating part of motherhood. No matter how fiercely I love or how hard I try, I can't possibly make everything okay.

summer preview

Sand between our toes and sun kisses on our noses. Our first trip to the beach this year was a little short and a little chilly, but with it came promises of many more road trips and beach days ahead. If summer turns out to be anything like the preview, I think it's going to be a good one.

backyard show

"somewhere over the rainbow"

"I wonder which way to Oz"

"I hear this way is nice"

"Or some people go both ways"

"Can you help me down from this post?"

"Whoa!"

"if I only had a brain"

"We're off to see the wizard"

happy earth day