This morning she picked these flowers. She told me when she gets "bigger, bigger" she is going to get married. I asked who she was going to marry, but I already knew her response. "My daddy." All she knows about getting married is what she has seen from our wedding photograph and what she has inevitably seen in movies. She knows it involves flowers and a woman and a man.But I don't want to raise her with the idea that marriage can only involve a woman and a man. (My conservative friends are probably all gasping for air right about now.) I guess I'm concerned that if marriage is portrayed to her as man and woman, then anything outside of that will be abnormal or unapproved. And that's not what I believe. But I'm not sure how to express that to her in an age appropriate manner.
Usually I let the "my daddy" response go, but today I challenged it and found myself in too deep. Unprepared. I told her she couldn't marry Daddy. I explained that I married Daddy. And if she gets married, she will marry someone else. She asked, "Who?" I told her I hope she will marry someone she loves very much. It was vague, but true.
Recently a friend of mine had to deal with the realities of Santa Claus with her children. Something so simple, but to a child...monumental. I'm unprepared for those monumental discussions. How will I answer her questions? What do I want to convey to her? I think I realized today that I'm still sorting all that stuff out. I am unprepared. And I'm not sure I'll ever have all the right answers. I hope she won't mind if we learn together.
I don't feel very eloquent tonight, but there it is.
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6 comments:
Wow. I'm super impressed with your initiative to delve into the unchartered territory you dove into today. What a great mom you are! I have no advice whatsoever. I'm dreading those tough conversations and blissfully putting them off for as long as possible. I'm lucky to be able to learn from you since Canon is a whole year older than Bella.
(Gasp!)... Yeah, I feel the essence of what you're saying. I think we're all learning as we go!
Tough questions, no doubt. How you handle it all depends on Canon, and you know her best. Most kids need simple, black-and-white answers, at least until they're a bit older and have more sophisticated cognitive development. In many cases, they will make an answer black-and-white even if it isn't presented to them that way. In the end, as long as you think about it from her perspective and give her an answer that's helpful to her, rather than helpful to you, you'll do fine. Sounds to me like you already do that. :)
Hopefully you and Alex will get to discuss the approach you both want to take with raising your girls. Though when those monumental questions come up before you've had a chance to work things out between yourselves, I know you'll do an excellent job of answering on the spot!
Also, if you need help introducing your girls to other ideas of what marriage can entail, plan a trip to NYC with them when they're older. I'll meet you there, introduce you to my brother and his boyfriend. And then introduce you to the female couple he's fathering a child with. GASP! :-)
Well, it won't be too many more years when Jacob realizesthat me and his daddy were only married 7 months before he was born! :)
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