Sometimes I find it humorous that the boy who used to visit my friends in college, the boy who made me laugh, the boy who made me nervous is now my partner in shaping the lives of two little girls. Parenting was so far off my radar back then. And honestly....I don't think I really considered what kind of father he would be. Rational thought was smothered by passion and love. But it turns out we have very similar parenting styles and values. Mostly we just go with the flow and do what feels right. On all the big things we feel the same way, but sometimes there are differences on the smaller things.
Recently an issue came up where we have differing opinions. I thought I might turn it over to you, dear blog readers, for your advice and input. I'll try to present both sides as even-handedly and anonymously as I can.
One of us wants our daughters to feel beautiful. Not necessarily a conventional beauty, but a recognition that they are beautiful. Who they are, no matter what what they look like, is beautiful. Their hearts, minds and bodies are beautiful.
And one of us wants there to be no recognition of physical beauty. No emphasis or value placed on appearance. Value, self-worth, self-esteem and confidence instead come from within.
Our basic goal is the same: to shape our girls into strong, independent and confident women. But getting there seems so complicated. Sometimes when I think about all the responsibility and weight I carry as their mother, the pressure is overwhelming. I could (and probably will) make so many missteps along the way. Anyway...I would appreciate any input.
information
subscribe to blythe and bonnie
Posts
Comments
14 comments:
I just realized today how often I tell Maddy how beautiful I think she is. I also make sure to say "you're so smart" and "I am so proud of you" and "you are my favorite daughter" (ok, so you can't use that last one, I guess). I always had such issues with self-esteem and I know that I made some bad choices along the way hugely because of poor self-esteem. There is a fine line between making our daughters boastful and stuck-up vs. building a strong sense of worth. I realize this, so I feel your dilemma. I also tell Maddy how beautiful I think others are as well (some kids that only their own moms would agree with me). I also NEVER make a negative comment about myself in her presence. So, to sum up my ramblings...I think it is wonderful to tell our daughters they are beautiful, smart, and the best thing in our world as long as we don't place them above others or allow ourselves to be critical of them when their beauty defies the textbook definition (like my daughter's choice of wardrobe some days). Hopefully, Maddy will never allow some guy to treat her the way ****** treated me all those years, partly because she will know that she deserves better. Clear as mud?
~Jaclyn
Okay... I know what I think, but I'm not sure how to say it. I agree with Smith #1. I think you're going to be hard pressed to realistically do opinion #2. Women have the need to feel beautiful; it's innate. And to not nurture that need would just be... well... unnatural. Even if you, as a parent, put NO emphasis on physical appearance, I think it would still come up. As I said, there is something inside of women, something in their make up, that causes them to desire to be beautiful. Why do little girls play dress up or do their hair or want to wear make-up and carry sparkly pink purses? Perhaps part of that is nurture, but I would argue that more of it is nature. And you can't fight what you are.
Besides, your girls ARE beautiful, and I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that!
For a book that explains this better than I do, read "Captivating" by Stasi Eldredge.
jebus, I gotta step in here. Obviously Christy is Smith #1. But I don't think I'm Smith #2. I want my girls to feel beautiful and all that. That's central to being human. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly president of The Zero Recognition of External Beauty Club. I'm a realist, I know how it goes. But some women/girls are unbalanced and fall into a bit-o-cliche. The value, time and self worth tied to their appearance gives too much power to males, shallow peers and perception...and I find it exhausting chasing perception or trying to stay ahead of it. It's like this: One should surround themselves with art they love, not art they think others will love.
I should point out that I'm kinda like Dian Fossey when it comes this whole "beauty" thing, so I really can't speak from experience. I'm just saying...
-alex
I don't know what to say. Curtis hoped Cora would be beautiful because he said beautiful people have it easier in life and I wanted her to be ugly so the boys would leave her alone! ha!
I tell Cora that she is "so cute" or the "prettiest girl I know" but I would probably tell her that even if she wasn't.
I think it's important for little girls to know they're beautiful. Better to hear that from their parents first, so they grow up understanding what true beauty is. The inner beauty of the soul is what makes outward appearance so radiant. If the word "beautiful" is never expressed, I think that's ok, although I do think at some point every little girl craves to hear from their parents that they're beautiful. My parents rarely talked about my physical looks when I was growing up...but somehow I knew they thought I was beautiful. I'm not really sure how they did that, but I'm trying to be the same way with my little girl. More than anything, I think when a child is treated with respect, self-confidence and the feelings of being worth something follow up. Btw, Great blog topic :).
Well just for the record your girls souls shine through in their beautiful eyes so regardless of which choice you make they will be seen as beautiful. I think you are safe either way you go! For us we try hover somewhere in the middle of the two styles to keep miss trinity's ego from being more than we can tolerate
Well, if you're getting your value and self worth from ohter people. You'll always look for other people to give you that, instead of searching for self worth yourself.
This is my opinion of how I handled my self esteem issues.
Here's the thing. Beauty is everywhere. Magazines and TVs bleed beauty. Posters and billboards scream it. And if a child doesn't develop her own definition of beauty, I'd fear some of those outside forces might do it for her. And then she might end up with a skewed sense of what beauty really is. So, in my home, I'm guessing (one day) I will help my daughter understand what can be beautiful. And help facilitate her journey in defining what beauty is in her eyes. With the hopes she grows up to be a strong, independent woman who walks through life knowing she's beautiful.
unless you can change the entire world, you can't expect to make your children not think or place false value on the idea of beauty. especially when they are girls. it just happens. although canon seems to have such a unique personality, she finds beauty in bugs and creepy crawlies so if that idea of unconventional beauty was nurtured, she might be less likely to expect herself to fit into the cookie cutter ideas of beauty. but not encouraging children to see beauty in themselves might make them feel less pretty in the future when they feel like the rest of the world is judging them. positive reinforcements are they only way. i mean it would be awful for someone out there to make one of the girls feel self-conscience in the future and they don't even have the voices of their parents contridicting it.... just a thought.
plus, if they arent' reminded they are wonderful, and amazing, and beautiful (inside and out), they may cling to the first guy that utters those words... and i almost think it would give men even more power.
-rachel
No encouragement should be held back since all of it will form their self-esteem. As they grow they need to know they are beautiful to you. It is important for you as their parents to show that you approve of them. Any outright effort to skip that will leave a mark on them and they will wonder why it weasn't there.
-doodlebug
I wasn't sure what to comment because I see validity in both points. But here's a few thoughts I've had. When Paul tells me he thinks I'm beautiful it means something totally different than when some dirty old man at the gas station does the same. When you acknowledge your girls beauty you do so in the context of all of the other things you acknowledge about them. Your girls know they are loved by you for more than what they look like but what they look like is a part of what you love about them. It's a piece of what makes them who they are. Acknowledging that you love that part of them is just as important and influential as acknowledging that you love their personalities, humor, kindness, etc.. It builds into their confidence and security in who they are.
For the record....usually when I write about Alex, I have him proof before I post. I feel it's only fair since I'm putting our life out in an open, public space. This post was an exception. I'm not sure why...maybe because I thought I had maintained anonymity.
So...I was a bit surprised when Alex felt that there had been a misunderstanding. Very surprised. We had discussed this. And what he said had had an impact on how I had been handling the subject lately. I had taken what he said into consideration until I could process through everything.
I think we resolved that seeing everything typed out actually helped the process. And we came to a better understanding and resolution on how we want to handle beauty.
Score one for the blog! And thanks for all your comments.
it sounds to me like you do both want the same thing. it's especially hard with the appearance thing when you've got more than one girl. my oldest is always comparing herself to the physical traits of the two year old. it breaks my heart because i think that they're both beautiful. i felt impressed to tell her that god gives us very special bodies that are perfect for us in every way. we have to develop our character on our own, god can't do that for us. so whenever she begins to pine for the looks of her younger sister, i remind her of something that she is good at.
it's hard to be a mama (or a daddy) of little girls.
There is beauty everywhere, from the flowers to the sky, and everywhere in between. If when we compliment our children it is only on their physical attributes and accomplishments they will base their worth on the world, however if we praise them and compliment them on their character and who they are rather than what they accomplish then we will watch them grow truly beautiful inside and out. It's a person at peace with themselves that is truly beautiful.
There is nothing wrong with telling your daughters they are beautiful.....it is no more wrong than calling a sunset beautiful.
Post a Comment