With city lights in my rearview mirror, she was all I had. She was everything to me. Because of her I chose to leave. Because of her I didn't shed a tear. As I drove hours through the night, I felt like it was just the two of us in infinite darkness. Needing each other. Depending on each other. And then it struck me how unfair all of this was to her. I couldn't let her live forever with the burden of a lonely, damaged, needy mother. It wasn't fair to make her be my everything. So I gave her space. I moved her crib into another room. I let her cry a little bit before she fell asleep. I went back to work. My milk dried up. I worked the night shift, so it was often my dad who heard her cries in the night and cuddled her back to sleep. I tried to make her independent of me, free of any sadness I carried. In the deepest, darkest part of my heart, I feel I might have pushed her away.Now relationships have healed; we are a family again. But she is still free. Wildly independent. Needing me so very little. And my relationship with her sister is starkly different. There has never been a forced detachment. I feel free to need her and love that she needs me, that she calls my name all day long wanting to see me, wanting to be held by me.
This is my great regret. This is what I would change if I could live this crazy life again. I'm sure the list of regrets will grow, but for now I wish I could go back, hold that six-month-old baby in my arms and never let her go.
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6 comments:
I can't even imagine what that time must have been like for you. So hard to see the light at the end of tunnel. So hard to know what the "right thing to do" was. We all have our regrets. It's human nature. Canon was destined to be a free spirit, not tied down, and fiercely independent. Whether your choices affected her nature will always be a great unknown, but I tend to think that Canon would be the same today even if you had done things differently.
My love to you my dear friend.
You were so strong to make a move like that. You are even stronger now. How hard it must have been for you. My admiration grows for you each day. You and Dawn seem to make the most perfect best friends. Both strong in so many ways.
Mothers do what they feel is best at the time- that's all we can do. I've already got several things I regret in my short few years of motherhood- But, I'm trying real hard and that's all anyone expects.
And to think you were here when that ship was sinking. I know you hold heavy that guilt, but I think Canon knows she has a wonderful mom and a wonderful dad. And when she grows up a bit, I'd like to think she'll admire you for all the decisions you made.
Canon's independent spirit is one of the things I love most about her. I love that she will show five different life guards she's capable of swimming the length of the pool, I love that she tells us what we should talk about over dinner, I love that she likes to swing as high as possible on the swings, I love that she loves to be covered in slippery, tickley caterpillars. None of these things would exist without her wonderful independent personality. i love it.
I don't buy into all that psychological crap anyway... You are not damaging your baby by letting her cry or laying her down in a crib. You were going through a lot of stuff when Canon was a baby, and your actions were totally legit. It happens. The important thing is NOW! You are doing a great job, Christy!
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