I went to the grave site today. I try to pile up all my feelings and thoughts about her death until this day. And then on this one occasion, I let myself think about it. How it was for me. How it must have been for her. How it must have been for my family. I think about my grandfather finding the letter and the sliver of hope that there was still a chance to save her until her body was pulled from the lake. And then the despair and sadness.
I allow myself to really, truly miss her. Feel the pain of her absence. Think of how much she and Canon would adore each other. And I laugh too.
Suicide has been the doorstop in my closure. The door is ever so slightly cracked. Maybe it will always be that way. I grieve the loss of her in my life. But more than that, I mourn the choice she made.
To me, it's an eerie place. It marks the death of my grandmother and waits for my grandfather.
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3 comments:
What is "closure" anyway? I'm not entirely sure it exists in every situation. Some things have no explanation... no "why." Some things just suck. Even if you eventually have some peace about it, it will still always suck. I'm sorry, girl. I'm so sorry that you miss your grandmother... and I'm sorry you mourn a choice that you had no power over. As I said, some things are just sucky. But you have people that love you and care about you and are here for you if you ever just need a shoulder to cry on.
Awww, Christy, I'm so sorry to learn your grandmother committed suicide. It gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes to know you, at any age, had to go through that. You are an amazingly strong woman who has obviously spent time reflecting on that choice and how it affects your life. May it empower you to be a better you. And, as Jenny said, you have an amazing set of friends who would risk life and limb to be there for you.
I remember that day. I remember your raw emotions of shock and utter grief that grappled you uncontrollably. I remember you leaving for home when it seems like you had just settled in. I remember how that first year away from home was forever marked by the death of your grandmother. I remember feeling so utterly helpless as your friend...a loss for the right words to say...a way to take your grief away even if only for a minute. All I can say is that I am here for you. I will always be here for you to help you through times like these in our lives that we never want to fathom. All my love to you on this day.
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