We had talked about it before, years ago. Even when we were dating, there was concern and anxiety about the mental health problems we could pass along to our children. His were the biggest concern. Mine also dangerous. My family history: SUICIDE. I read
book after
book looking for answers. I realized my life with him would be difficult, our relationship tumultuous. But I could not imagine being without him. I was too young and naive to truly factor children into our mad equation. Then she came into our lives. She shocked the chemicals of my brain into balance. And his heart led his mind to seek help. Drugs now keep his emotions in a flat line, but his creativity is hidden. We are able to function as a healthy, mentally sound family.
Last night we watched
The Sopranos. Tony Soprano's college-aged son attempts suicide. Tony rescues him from the botched attempt and holds him as he sobs.
Tears streamed down my face. I knew he was emotional too. We stopped the show and talked. Thinking about our girls being mentally and emotionally unstable is heartbreaking. I can only hope my experiences and my understandings will help me guide them through their struggles.
"I doubt sometimes whether the quiet and unagitated life would have suited me - yet I sometimes long for it." - Byron
Here's another piece of Alex's artwork, from a more creative period in his life.
Posts
5 comments:
I've been sitting here trying to think of what to say. I've erased several things.
I don't know what else to say, but I love you, Canon, and Elly. And for what it's worth... I'm praying for you.
I know that one of your greatest fears is that some form of mental illness will be passed along to your girls. It's a fear that all parents face, but you and Alex who've experienced various aspects of mental illness both first-hand and second-hand must feel the fear to a greater degree than most. A parents worst fear (other than death of a child) is to see your child suffer.
Have faith, though. You and Alex are prime examples of how mental illness can be overcome and challenged. Mental illness is not a death sentence. You're an awesome mom and I know that whatever path lies ahead for your girls, you will be there by their sides, loving and supporting them through the good and the bad times in life. You are not powerless in life. You have in your arsenal one of the most powerful weapons to fight the bleak parts of life - you have the amazing ability to love. Love is the greatest gift we can give our children and you are doing an amazing job with your girls already. So do what you do best. Love those girls with all your heart.
I had all sorts of words ready to put down, but Dawn said it beautifully. The only thing I'd add is don't feel you have to do it all on your own. If life becomes overwhelming, you have a huge network of friends, family, doctors, etc. there to help. Don't be afraid to lean.
Life just wouldn't be interesting without stuff like that. Of course, it's not to be taken lightly. How responsible your husband is for taking control for his sake and his family's. For that your children will be less likely to let something take them over. They are more likely to talk about it and seek help when needed. That's mental strength in my opinion!
Boy do I get your fears first hand. Both my biological father and Daniel's maternal grandmother have/had paranoid schizophrenia. The doctors have told us it's not technically genetic, but tends to run in families. I feel like I gave Maddy a double whammy, but even when thinking about having another child, I don't factor it in. I worry, sure, but we already discussed that worrying is a mother's job. I agree with everyone else, though, that love is all we can do, because we certainly have no control over what will be. Also, being knowledgable about signs and treatment options gives you a huge advantage over the "average" mom. I love you and miss you. Hope to see you soon
Post a Comment